What is it about September and Gemini?
posted: Sep 27, 07:58 PM
Well, September seems to turn up consistently as the month for crisis in my life. This time the crisis is of my own making. I think that actually makes it more of a challenge to sort through.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I went on a journey towards acceptance of my mortality; accepting life changes I had no idea how to accept and no wish to accept. I took the people I loved most along on this journey, not because I chose it, but, because they loved me and kind of went along for the “ride”.
Now, I’m on another journey. I asked my partner for a separation. I need time on my own. Not literally on my own. I hope my daughter wants to be with me. But what makes this journey so painful is the awareness of the pain I am inflicting on the people I love.
My daughter has been through more loss, suffering and hardship than many adults I know. She has dealt with what has been thrown at her with such grace, strength and vision. Now, I am doing this to her. I am putting my needs ahead of hers. I know mothers are not supposed to do this to their children.
It’s funny. Not funny “ha ha”, but funny weird/interesting, I’ve really discovered who cares about me in this process. I am very fortunate in my friends. I know it’s when life becomes harder than hard we discover who is there for us and who is not.
After I had cancer I found it almost impossible to cry. In the last couple of years I learned how to cry again. In the last week, I have become a really accomplished crier. I could do without this new skill, although a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist insists it is a good thing. I can only say I am finding it most inconvenient.
It’s also funny, funny weird again, the things I need to figure out. Like where will I/we live? What needs to be figured out legally and what we can sort out ourselves. Where to find the energy, in my limited energy supply, to pack, move, make dinners, support my child through this journey, make a new life for myself… Just writing this makes me tired, but, there is also a sense of hope and optimism for the future.
In my sadness and concern for the hurt I am inflicting I can’t lose sight of what led to this decision. It did not happen “all of a sudden”, I’ve needed to make it for a very long time. Circumstances were just not conducive and I am so sorry for misleading my partner in anyway by not saying “I need to be on my own” when I knew I needed this space.
I really, really appreciate the people who have not asked me for an explanation of my decision. Not inquired “what led to this?” with the associated implication blame needs to be allocated to one of us. I appreciate the friends and family members who have just accepted this is what I need at this stage in my life.
Life can be so hard. I’m sorry when I am the one who has to make it harder.
Gemini