Reflections
posted: Jun 24, 01:40 AM

Tomorrow is St. Jean Baptiste Day in Quebec, Canada and it also my birthday. I’ve always thought it would be a treat to spend my birthday in Quebec City and be part of a huge celebration.

I love birthdays. I like celebrating the existence of the birthday person in this world.

I’ve always thought birthdays were a good time to “take stock” of one’s life. An annual opportunity to reflect back upon the year, the achievements, the surprises, the changes. I have a suspicion this is what my mother used to refer to as “navel gazing”, but I really do think it helps us to be grateful and aware.

I am a firm believer in living in the moment. You know, appreciating the here and now. The moments which make up our lives. They are gone and become memories, in a moment. This has always been my way of thinking, but after I was diagnosed with cancer I realized how fortunate I was to think about life in this way.

We don’t know what comes after we die. It doesn’t really matter. Either there is something or there’s not. If there’s something we’ll probably enjoy it and if there’s not, we won’t be too worried ‘cause we won’t know. That’s why the day to day is so important.

I’m tired today. I’m tired most days and some days I manage this better than others. This is my new normal and I don’t like it very much.

My life is divided into before and after. Before cancer and after cancer. I decided almost 8 years ago that cancer was an illness I just had to deal with and then get on. I didn’t realize when I decided this the commitment I was making.

I thought I was committing to surgery, chemo and radiation and then healing for a while. A while. Very important this “phrase”. I didn’t know a while would be the rest of my life. I didn’t know how much my life would change. It is the harder changes with which I still struggle.

I went out with friends from work last night and had an awesome time. We partied out all the stress of the past school year. It was fun! Got some bonding in to get us through the coming week. It didn’t hurt as a kick off to my birthday weekend either.

The less fun part is how I feel today. And, just for the record, I wasn’t drinking. Alcohol doesn’t factor into my new reality particularly well.

There’s the sad part of my reflections, probably wouldn’t even have been part of the process if I wasn’t so exhausted. ... “hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be all right” (The Fray, Heaven Forbid) Interesting how lyrics can affect us.

Now for the good. I finally completed my Masters degree. It was delayed too, but the satisfaction I feel when I look at that degree! I have a three year contract with my current employer, career stability for the first time in 8 years! I have friends in my life the existence of whom reminds me how blessed I am. I have people who care about me and love me, who I also love and care about. People who make the day to day challenges of my life bearable. To remind me when I am down, or tired, or sad, it’s o.k. to need a shoulder to lean upon or a hand to hold. When I reflect on my life, I am a lucky woman!