October thoughts
posted: Oct 7, 07:08 PM
I haven’t been writing, because I’m feeling more than a little overwhelmed with life at the moment. My Mum continues to “live” in hospital and, according to her doctor, will need 24 hour care.
She’s learning to navigate a wheelchair and being required to think of living arrangements for the future. I know this is a challenging time for her, but at least she’s eating well, is cared for and is safe.
I am struggling with working on a full time basis. I am exhausted. My level of fatigue is pulling me down. I knew last year that working full time was physically too much for me, but I thought resting over the summer would “get me through.” When Mum broke her hip at the beginning of August, rest went out the window.
School was in high gear from day one and hasn’t slowed down for a minute. I felt so awful yesterday afternoon I took today to stay home and rest. I know it was the right choice and only wish I could stay here for the rest of the week.
I find my perspective on life is a little out of balance at the moment. Normally, I take life as it comes and recognize everyone has good days and bad days. I believe in respecting the experience of others, acknowledging they know themselves best and, generally, going with a “live and let live” attitude towards life. I must say, I wish my sisters could extend this same philosophy towards me. I wish I could just say “oh well” and not care that they do not.
Aries, who is having a difficult time health wise herself, she’s been off work since early June and will not be going back in the for see able future (she has a guaranteed income from her employer, so does not have financial worries) has made some hurtful comments to me. Actually, more than some. I probably find her comments so hurtful because I have encouraged her to take care of herself; listened while she has talked about her chronic pain; offered her all the love and support I’d want shown to me. In other words, I’ve respected and respect her experience.
I don’t talk much about being a cancer survivor in the “real”, non cyber world. I have no problem talking about it, if someone knows and asks how I am, but I don’t want anyone thinking I’m looking for sympathy, or using my on-going chronic fatigue as an excuse to avoid day to day life and its responsibilities.
I push myself everyday to be as normal as is possible. My new normal still takes some getting used to, but, if I pace myself it’s manageable. It’s just in the last 12 months pacing myself has become more and more difficult. The demands of full time work have pushed me to my limit.
Once in a while I will observe to Aries how extremely tired I am and how the fatigue exacerbates the symptoms of other side effects. In return, she has made comments to me along the lines of “I’m tired too, I just push through it” or “I focus on something else”. The other day she actually said to me “have you talked to your doctor about that?” I was speechless.
Duh! No, I’m too stupid for words. I like feeling bad, missing out on fun, feeling inadequate…
I am flabbergasted at the on-going thoughtlessness of her comments. I know Aries loves me. I don’t question her love, but I do question her ability to have empathy and put herself in another person’s shoes.
Gemini