Ninety Six Months
posted: Sep 11, 01:57 AM
September 1999 was an eventful month in my life. Our dog Koda died suddenly, Princess G chipped her elbow and I was diagnosed with cancer. All in the same week. It was almost funny. Depending on the mood I was in I could have meant funny as in funny, weird or funny, amusing.
It is 8 years this month since that particular journey began. Interestingly, the 8 years can seem like yesterday or a life time ago. Again, this probably depends on the mood I am in when I think about the experience and its impact, both on me and on my family.
I had plenty of opportunity to reflect on the foregoing today. I had a medical appointment after work which prompted my family doctor to send me for blood work. She said “I want you to go today or tomorrow and I’ll call you as soon as it comes back. I don’t want you worrying.”
She has another test she wants me to go for and I asked her how long she thought I’d have to wait. She replied, “When I put ASAP on the request, not long.” She’s very practical. She knows no matter how philosophical I may be I will still be thinking is it this, is it that? As a cancer survivor I don’t think it is possible not to wonder. Added to this, she was pretty straight up about my symptoms, she couldn’t tell me it was nothing.
When I was in residential treatment we used to joke that sometimes a tree is just a tree. We meant “You don’t need to figure out what kind of tree it is, just knowing it exists is sufficient.” It worked for us at the time. It was a time and place kind of thing.
I liked when a bump here, or a pain there, was just a bump or a sore spot and I knew it would go away in time. Now, I need to be vigilant and this vigilance leads to a moderate degree of worry/concern.
Actually, for all I know my worry level may only be on a minor level, but given I tend to think worry is a highly overrated emotion, it’s like anger it’s exhausting and achieves nothing, the fact that I’m worrying at all puts it on my radar. So, now I’ll have this “investigation” in the back of my mind until I know what’s what. I suspect this is normal.
Normal? Cancer survivors talk about finding their new normal. The phrase makes me smile, because my new normal is so off my old normal as to still seem abnormal to me.
8 years or ninety six months later, I am still trying to figure out how to be a cancer survivor. I know I am. I’m grateful I am. I just wish I’d been one of the “lucky” people who didn’t have to do the cancer journey.