Life, Living and Cancer
posted: Feb 1, 07:13 PM
Leanne Coppen’s weblog Living with Breast Cancer is a must read. Leanne’s experience with cancer and it treatments brings back so many memories for me. When I was diagnosed I began keeping journals of my experiences to share with my daughter when she became an adult. In the event I wasn’t here to share my journals with her, I hoped they would give her some insight into who her mother had been. When I found Leanne’s blog I felt much as if I had met me 9 plus years ago. Here are my responses to her posts.
Response to “The Last Taboo”
Leanne,
I am still crying after reading your post. As I have observed before, your experiences mirror mine so closely it is eerie.
You are correct there are a lot of us out there going through the financial stress a cancer diagnosis and associated treatments brings. Unfortunately, society does not understand, nor is it aware, of the financial impact of cancer.
It is only now my family is beginning to recover from the debts my lack of income caused. Sadly the word “beginning” is me being optimistic, because if one thing went wrong which cost more than a couple of hundred dollars we’d be in big trouble!
I am glad your father understands and is doing something so lovely for you. My family just asked questions along the lines of “Can’t your husband support you?” or “What did you do with your money?” The lack of respect for us as responsible, self reliant adults still angers me. The lack of imagination as to what our lives had turned into floors me.
Duh! We used our savings, our RESPs and our RRSPs to survive. After my 15 weeks of EI ran out, I was lucky enough to receive $800 a month from CPP, incidentally, the maximum benefit.
I returned to work on a full time basis last year because the on-going stress of our financial situation was becoming almost as anxiety making as having actively fought cancer. I am so tired each day I sometimes forget how to “get on with life”. I definitely am in one foot in front of the other mode most days.
I do realize this is probably not what you need to hear at this moment, but in some strange way, hopefully it will give you hope. There is some weird light at the end of the financial tunnel, it just takes a while to get there and any recognition that the financial challenges are NOT due to irresponsible choices is almost comforting.
I participated in a survivorship round table with Cancer Care Nova Scotia in June 2007. The financial impact of cancer during treatment and after was one of the main topics of discussion.
Frustratingly the system seemed to need enlightening on this reality. I hope one day we will all see real and supportive change. Our recommendations included: EI sick benefits for those with a chronic illness (cancer) being extended from 15 weeks to a full year; needs assessments not being based on the cancer patient and family’s last tax return, but on the current year’s tax information. I was earning a decent salary when I was healthy and then poof! it was gone. Our family income dropped to below poverty at one point. All available support was based on our tax returns from the previous year, so needless to say, we didn’t come close to qualifying.
Enjoy California, Leanne. Freelance work may prove more lucrative than you foresee at this moment in time. I hope your trip gives you the boost you need. I crave sun at the moment and warmth. By the way, perhaps you should consider taking your blog entries and writing a book.
Take good care of you.
Gemini
Response to “ Out of the Mouths of Babes”
Leanne,
Whether Georgia is channeling Dora or spirits of other survivors or what she’s heard others say to you, she’s correct. You’ve climbed the cancer beanstalk and you are tired out!
You are entitled to cry, feel sorry for yourself, whatever… Please don’t let anyone make you feel if you tried a little harder or were more determined that you wouldn’t be so tired. Unfortunately, I’ve been made to feel I just needed to “push” myself more. Interestingly, this “encouragement” (my tongue is firmly in my cheek) came from those who had never experienced cancer or it’s treatments’ side effects.
Georgia and you are lucky to have each other. My daughter who was six when I finished my treatments was the one who gave me the strength to get through the hard work cancer treatments are and the on-going “suckiness” of the side effects to those treatments.
I cannot begin to imagine finding the energy to be Mummy to such a little person when you feel like you are feeling. Take good and gentle care of yourself.
Gemini
Response to “Happy New Year”
Happy New Year, Leanne!
Your spirit is strong and reaches out to those of us who read your blog. I feel confident in saying those who are privileged to know you in “real” life count their blessings every day.
Hugs,
Gemini
Response to “Getting There”
OMG Leanne! I don’t know whether to laugh, or wonder if there is some spooky parallel universe thing going on. I don’t have my driver’s license either.
I have had my beginners, it expires, I get it again… I could have cared less for years and then, around the time of my diagnosis, I cared. Probably for similar reasons to you. I often didn’t have the energy to walk where I needed to go; public transportation is icky even when our immune systems don’t suck and really it would be kind of convenient to drive.
The same bet is going on in my house. Who will get their license first? Gemini or her 15 year old Princess?
I am completely amazed and ecstatic to discover a kindred spirit as “Anne Shirley” from Anne of Green Gables would say. Hope radiation is going o.k. I associate Christmas with pic lines and radiation. Weird, no?
Response to “How To Survive The Emergency Waiting Room”
Hey Leanne,
You’re making me feel pretty grateful for my experience of the ‘flu when I was in treatment. I called the on-call oncologist at the cancer clinic (who happily turned out to be my medical oncologist) and shared my symptoms. He wanted me to come to the hospital, but I talked him into letting me suffer at home. His conditions to this were: my husband had to take my temp regularly and bring me in if I became delirious. Then I had to promise to come to the clinic the following day.
In retrospect I feel sorry for both my partner and my oncologist. My 6 yr old daughter was sick too, so I didn’t want to be away from her; this meant my partner had two patients, both of whom just wanted to sleep. He’d wake me up to take my temp and see if I made sense and then for good measure, he’s a man remember, he’d wake a finally peacefully sleeping sick child who was asleep beside me.
The next day we all toddled, or swayed in my case, into the cancer clinic. I’m sure the other patients wanted to run and hide from us. My nurse had made a bed up for me, but a patient came in who was more in need of it than me. My oncologist confessed to having been worried about letting me stay home, but knew I was sensible, so…All in all, I’m counting my blessings after reading your emergency room survival kit post.
By the way, I continue to be obsessive compulsive about hand washing and hand sanitizer. One of my during treatment habits which never left me.
Hope you’re feeling better.
Gemini
Response to “Barky the Dog”
Hey Leanne,
I just discovered you’ve got the ‘flu, if it’s not , it sure sounds like it! I hope you are beginning to feel more human. Look at the “bark” this way, other people can remove themselves from you, but you’re stuck listening to the bark. So, don’t worry too much about them.
As far as the feeling “sorry” for yourself for being tired of being sick and tired of being tired. Of course you do! You are human after all! Cancer sucks! The treatments suck! You’re working hard on your “job” of getting better, you’ve earned the right to cry and have a melt down. Very therapeutic, except for further stuffing up the nose.
Take good care of yourself. I’m filing away the Vicks on the feet for future use.
Gemini
Response to “Miracle Grow”
Leanne,
You are so funny! I remember the Chia Pet look.
I was so happy to see the “peach” fuzz, I actually felt like I had a head of hair. Well, sort of.
I was surprised how quickly it grew once it appeared. I ended up keeping my hair really short for several years. I found I had come to like the low maintenance freedom. Now, when it hits my chin I think my hair is long.
The brows will come home too.
Gemini
Response to“Life On Mars?”
Leanne,I can not find the words to express how moving I find your sharing of the 2nd biopsy experience. I cried as I read your description of your tears forming “a little pool” and the nurse trying to dry them for you.
So much of being a cancer patient is almost dehumanizing…until the human beings who care for us while we are in the system bring humane back into the experience. Many of our treatments are invasive, both emotionally and physically. Many are painful, both emotionally and physically.
Your sharing your experiences with each of us takes great courage and generosity.
Thank you,
Gemini
Response to “Science and Faith”
Leanne,
You made me laugh. What makes me laugh, is, once more, you’ve echoed my thoughts of December 2000 when I began my 6 weeks of daily radiation. I did get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off and although I was grateful for the reprieve, I worried that my favorite holiday might sabotage the success of my radiation treatments.
I have always thought chemo and radiation to be a major leap of faith. Here I was with this “thing” in my body which my doctors said I had a 50/50 chance of surviving and I decide to up the odds by 15% and poison myself (make myself sicker) with chemo and radiation. It’s ironic when you think about it.
I’m glad I made the leap. I have no regrets. Like you, I continue to wonder about planes flying, the earth being round and the many ironies of life. It’s good.
Gemini
Response to “The Cancer Identity”
Hi Leanne,
I have to tell you I look forward to your sharings. I can relate to so much of your experience.
I have never felt I was (nor am) defined by cancer or by having gone through the cancer experience, process, illness, whatever. I think this may have been why I wore my wig when going out in public. I shared when and if I wanted to share.
9 years after my diagnosis my experience with cancer is still part of me and probably always will be. This is partially due to on-going side effects to my treatments; my finding a new normal and to the reality of I went through cancer and it’s treatments and it’s fear and how I processed this experience is now part of who Gemini is today.
I am NOT glad I had cancer, but I am appreciative of what I have learned about myself. My strengths, my perspective on life…I have no doubt I would be just as aware of these qualities in myself if I’d been fortunate to have been able to skip cancer, but as I wasn’t, I think the “journey” perhaps hastened some of the self awareness process.
I have mixed feelings on people knowing I had cancer. I use the expression cancer survivor under particular circumstances. I have found many people who work with and in the vast cancer support system refer to a survivor as anyone who has had the diagnosis. One becomes a survivor from the moment they hear “you have cancer”. I only began using the term after 5 or 6 years of being cancer free. But, use it sparingly.
I believe there is a time and a place for the phrase cancer survivor. The time and place is probably different for each of us. I know surviving adolescence is a challenge, but the process is way more fun than the process of surviving cancer!
You may be blogging about your cancer experience, but I do not get the sense that cancer defines who Leanne is. You appear to be treating cancer as a life experience and growing through the experience.
Gemini
Response to “Losing It”
Leanne,
I remember how empowered I felt when I finally decided to stop worrying about how much hair I was losing and shaved my head. It was as if I had taken some control back into my life.
I used to go “bare” most of the time when at home or with friends. I saved my wig for shopping etc. You’re right, we often do define ourselves by our hair. Mine was always long too.
Anyway, as soon as I’d come into the house I’d whip the wig off. One day I couldn’t find the thing. I thought the cat had mistaken it for a toy! As luck would have it, chemo brain had struck and the only place I didn’t look was where I finally found it.
I kept my hair pretty short for several years after it grew back. Now I have chin length hair…I still believe shaving my head was one of the key moments in my fight against cancer. So much about the cancer experience is outside of our control, how we chose to handle our hair issues was one aspect where we could assert our own power.
I like each of your hair looks.
Gemini
Response to “Cancer Couch Potato”
I am a cancer survivor. I had surgery, 6 months of chemo and 6 weeks of daily radiation and I wondered, as you do, who these mysterious others were who did it all and coped with treatments. My daughter was 5, then 6, at the time and spending my good days, hours, minutes with her seemed a better use of my limited energy.
I went back to work on a part time basis a few years ago and managed fairly well. I decided to try full time a year ago and now know I’m overdoing it. Long term side effects of my treatment.
I cannot begin to express my disbelief at family who will say to me “I’m tired too, I just push through it!” or “I focus on something else.” They have no concept of the chronic, world darkening fatigue I experience, but feel entitled to equate their experience of being tired, to mine.
There are days when I feel completely inadequate and like a wimp. Then, I remember the courage and determination it requires to go for chemo treatments, deal with the days and weeks after the treatments. I remember what radiation made me feel like and how the side effects sucked! I know I am not an inadequate wimp. I am a cancer survivor, who continues to strive towards a new normal!
Enjoy your time with your daughter, your friends and yourself.
By Gemingirl on Oct 7, 2008